I swear I posted this when I made it, idk what happened
Eating disorders are not at all what they are portrayed in the media. Eating disorders are 4 fingers down your throat because 2 or 3 no longer works. It is vomiting out of your bedroom window as you family sit watching TV together only metres away. It is lots of saliva and vomit coming out of your nose. It is having gone toilet 4 times within 17 minutes because of the 13 laxatives you took the night before because the daily recommended intake of 1-3 no longer works. It is saying no to eating an apple because it has 97 calories and then eating chocolate, or cake, or biscuits, or bread or all of the above. It is being uncomfortably full. I have felt so full that I was worried my stomach would rupture at least 4 times this week. It is Friday. It is sitting there after consuming 3190 calories within 20 minutes and not being able to purge it because your body has been exhausted from the 17 other times you’ve purged over the past 3 days. It is going to your 9-5 job exhausted and irritated because all you can think about is food and having everyone at work think your lazy and negative BECAUSE YOU CANT TELL THEM that the ½ banana you had that morning has you wishing for death. You can’t tell them that you are suffering. You can’t call in sick either because you don’t look sick. In fact, you may look perfectly healthy. It is being told that the eating disorder clinicians can’t help you because you are not sick enough. It is numbers. It is a fuck ton of numbers. It is hoodies and jeans in summer. It is an unbelievable amount of self hatred. It is being so caught up so much in your own head you could be looking at someone as they talk to and not hear A FUCKING thing because you are fighting relentlessly back and forth with yourself. It is self harm as punishment for eating. It is not letting yourself sleep as punishment. It is being alone. So damn alone. IT IS LITERALLY CONTEMPLATING YOUR LIFE because recovery is not an option to you but to keep on living at work in your own head 24/7 is fucking hell. It is contemplating your life over the meal that you ate half of just to make your mum stop crying. IT IS contemplating your life simply because you are done.
I feel absolutely done..
annasinfatuation